Healthy Confrontation

Proverbs 15:1, "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." I would love to tell you that a "proverb" always works. However, if they ALWAYS worked then we would call them promises. One thing is for certain, someone has to have the level head.

Over the last several weeks I have been listening to a teaching on honor. One of these teachings discussed how to handle confrontation when you are living with powerful people. The fact of the matter is that we are all powerful. It's how we use our power that determines whether or not we are going to honor someone in a given situation.

Healthy confrontation (which is done in love) can actually strengthen relationships rather than weaken them. You can build someone up rather than tear them down. When love becomes the foundation of our relationships then each of us can remain strong, powerful, and honoring regardless of the circumstances.

Unfortunately, many of us have had to deal with confrontation that wasn't healthy or honoring. This type of confrontation typically comes when we have grown tired of dealing with a certain issue, or someone has gotten tired of putting up with ours. Due to the fact that this has gone on for several days/weeks/months, there is a lot of emotion that has been suppressed. In this type of confrontation, anger is usually expressed, love is withdrawn, and the relationship is wounded or severed. What is normally lost in this type of confrontation is the understanding that the person you are dealing with is powerful, awesome, and loved by God.

Galatians 6:1 gives us insight on what confrontation should look like among believers: "Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted." What you and I must glean from this verse is that when dealing with sin, wrongs, and problems; we must approach a person in a spirit of gentleness. We should also recognize that we could fall into the same trap. Therefore, we cannot be arrogant, rude, or dishonoring in the process. We must find a way, even in the midst of an ugly problem, to bring restoration.

I wish I could tell you that I have mastered the art of confrontation. But the truth is that I'm still working on it. But I would like to share some tips on how to keep a conflict from erupting into a full out assault on another person. Keep in mind that these tips will also help you when being confronted. Remember the soft answer thing? It will work for you. You just have to keep practicing.

Watch Your Tone
This is one of the most difficult aspects of confrontation. It's especially difficult for me because I come from a family that has tone issues. I must always be aware of "how" I am addressing something. We can say the right words but the wrong tone will kill any type of conversation.

Own Your Stuff While Allowing The Other Person To Own Theirs
The only person we can control in any situation is ourselves. So when I am confronting someone, I don't want to project anything. I simply want to point out what I consider to be the problem.
Example:
"Are you aware that you made me feel...?"
"Did you mean to come across this way?"
"Do you realize that...?"
In each of these examples, the questions you ask help the other person own their problem. I'm not blaming. I'm not harassing. And I'm definitely not lecturing. I'm simply asking questions to help bring things to the surface. This style of confrontation creates inner pressure rather than outward.

Remember That You Are Dealing With A Powerful Person
This is true whether you are confronting your kids, spouse, employees, or friends. Regardless of the person (their age, gender, or position), you have to see them powerful. You also need to help empower them through the process. In an unhealthy confrontation, we tend to beat down people. We want them to feel shame or shrink away. This is typically done through intimidation. In a healthy confrontation we want them to remain powerful. We need them to be the best they can be in this situation. We help point them to a problem and give them the opportunity to clean up the mess.
Example:
"Did you mean to be sarcastic just a few moments ago?"
"I sense that there is some major tension between us and was wondering if you noticed it as well."
"So...what's the problem?"
"What are you/we going to do about it?"
*In this step, we are trying to help them find the solution. We only offer advice if they can't seem to find one. "Do you want to handle this on your own or do you want some help?"

Be Quick To Forgive
This can be one of the hardest parts of confrontation. Especially if we are waiting until we have the confrontation to do it. I have found that it's much easier to forgive someone if I can do it before I have to confront them. Which means I must be willing to die to myself. Sure...my feeling have been hurt or I was angry. But forgiveness needs to come easy for us. Imagine the impact of saying, "I forgave you two weeks ago" or "I forgave you right after it happened."

If you are looking for some great ideas on how to develop a culture of honor in your home or church, look for Danny Silk's book "Culture of Honor" and the teaching series "Honor Among Us." Danny also has a teaching called "Keys to Confrontation" that I'm personally going to check into. I point you to these resources because Honor is at the center and Love is the foundation. These resources can be found at store.ibethel.org

Notice the them in what I have been sharing over the past few weeks.
Love
Honor
Humility
All of these things can carry you a long way in your relationships. Be blessed!