Healthy Confrontation

Proverbs 15:1, "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." I would love to tell you that a "proverb" always works. However, if they ALWAYS worked then we would call them promises. One thing is for certain, someone has to have the level head.

Over the last several weeks I have been listening to a teaching on honor. One of these teachings discussed how to handle confrontation when you are living with powerful people. The fact of the matter is that we are all powerful. It's how we use our power that determines whether or not we are going to honor someone in a given situation.

Healthy confrontation (which is done in love) can actually strengthen relationships rather than weaken them. You can build someone up rather than tear them down. When love becomes the foundation of our relationships then each of us can remain strong, powerful, and honoring regardless of the circumstances.

Unfortunately, many of us have had to deal with confrontation that wasn't healthy or honoring. This type of confrontation typically comes when we have grown tired of dealing with a certain issue, or someone has gotten tired of putting up with ours. Due to the fact that this has gone on for several days/weeks/months, there is a lot of emotion that has been suppressed. In this type of confrontation, anger is usually expressed, love is withdrawn, and the relationship is wounded or severed. What is normally lost in this type of confrontation is the understanding that the person you are dealing with is powerful, awesome, and loved by God.

Galatians 6:1 gives us insight on what confrontation should look like among believers: "Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted." What you and I must glean from this verse is that when dealing with sin, wrongs, and problems; we must approach a person in a spirit of gentleness. We should also recognize that we could fall into the same trap. Therefore, we cannot be arrogant, rude, or dishonoring in the process. We must find a way, even in the midst of an ugly problem, to bring restoration.

I wish I could tell you that I have mastered the art of confrontation. But the truth is that I'm still working on it. But I would like to share some tips on how to keep a conflict from erupting into a full out assault on another person. Keep in mind that these tips will also help you when being confronted. Remember the soft answer thing? It will work for you. You just have to keep practicing.

Watch Your Tone
This is one of the most difficult aspects of confrontation. It's especially difficult for me because I come from a family that has tone issues. I must always be aware of "how" I am addressing something. We can say the right words but the wrong tone will kill any type of conversation.

Own Your Stuff While Allowing The Other Person To Own Theirs
The only person we can control in any situation is ourselves. So when I am confronting someone, I don't want to project anything. I simply want to point out what I consider to be the problem.
Example:
"Are you aware that you made me feel...?"
"Did you mean to come across this way?"
"Do you realize that...?"
In each of these examples, the questions you ask help the other person own their problem. I'm not blaming. I'm not harassing. And I'm definitely not lecturing. I'm simply asking questions to help bring things to the surface. This style of confrontation creates inner pressure rather than outward.

Remember That You Are Dealing With A Powerful Person
This is true whether you are confronting your kids, spouse, employees, or friends. Regardless of the person (their age, gender, or position), you have to see them powerful. You also need to help empower them through the process. In an unhealthy confrontation, we tend to beat down people. We want them to feel shame or shrink away. This is typically done through intimidation. In a healthy confrontation we want them to remain powerful. We need them to be the best they can be in this situation. We help point them to a problem and give them the opportunity to clean up the mess.
Example:
"Did you mean to be sarcastic just a few moments ago?"
"I sense that there is some major tension between us and was wondering if you noticed it as well."
"So...what's the problem?"
"What are you/we going to do about it?"
*In this step, we are trying to help them find the solution. We only offer advice if they can't seem to find one. "Do you want to handle this on your own or do you want some help?"

Be Quick To Forgive
This can be one of the hardest parts of confrontation. Especially if we are waiting until we have the confrontation to do it. I have found that it's much easier to forgive someone if I can do it before I have to confront them. Which means I must be willing to die to myself. Sure...my feeling have been hurt or I was angry. But forgiveness needs to come easy for us. Imagine the impact of saying, "I forgave you two weeks ago" or "I forgave you right after it happened."

If you are looking for some great ideas on how to develop a culture of honor in your home or church, look for Danny Silk's book "Culture of Honor" and the teaching series "Honor Among Us." Danny also has a teaching called "Keys to Confrontation" that I'm personally going to check into. I point you to these resources because Honor is at the center and Love is the foundation. These resources can be found at store.ibethel.org

Notice the them in what I have been sharing over the past few weeks.
Love
Honor
Humility
All of these things can carry you a long way in your relationships. Be blessed!

Having the Right Attitude

I have embraced the fact that the way I view the church is different than many of my contemporaries in ministry. The reason why we gather, what unifies us as a body of believers, and how we express the love of Christ are just a few of the differences. It's this context of ministry forces me to stretch against the walls of orthodoxy. I just don't want to be negative or critical.

After watching a documentary on church life and hearing some of the responses, I realize that there is a lot of negative light shining upon the church as a whole. Too often, in our attempt to bring about change, we are simply raging against the machine. I hear a lot of bitterness and hope to never be in that place.
Do I want to see change? ABSOLUTELY!
Do I believe we need to look inside the walls of the church for solutions? YES!
But I don't want to be seen as a Crusader. I'm not willing to go to war because I view the functions, ministry, or even some of the dogma of doctrine differently. I truly believe there is a better way.

The other day, I was talking with a husband who was experiencing some difficulty in marriage. I stressed with him the need to communicate effectively with his wife. I said, "I find it interesting that we can take classes on how to debate effectively but there isn't much out there on how to have a conversation." How do we approach our differences in the church? How can we hold true to what we believe while accepting those who view things differently? Like many of the things that we face in life, the answer is found in Christ. What did His life look like? How did He face criticism and division? How do we respond even when we know we are right?

Philippians 2:5-11 gives us great insight into the attitude that Jesus displayed while on the earth.
5 You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.
6 Though he was God,
he did not think of equality with God
as something to cling to.
7 Instead, he gave up his divine privileges;
he took the humble position of a slave
and was born as a human being.
When he appeared in human form,
8 he humbled himself in obedience to God
and died a criminal’s death on a cross.
9 Therefore, God elevated him to the place of highest honor
and gave him the name above all other names,
10 that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
11 and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father.

Christ's willingness to serve, rather than be served, is a great example to us. Much of His ministry was spent teaching a group of disciples how to walk with God. Before His death on the cross, He put a towel around His waist and was willing to wash the feet of His disciples. He was careful to honor and respect those who opposed Him, even though He didn't mind dealing with them. In love, He confronted them. On purpose, He gave His life as a ransom for the world. Yes...instead of clinging to all of His rights, He humbled Himself to death.

Humility has been lost in our efforts to be right. Humility is typically not one of the attributes that is pointed out by the world when they discuss the church. Humility is rarely practiced when we view opposing sides of a particular debate. Instead we march on like valiant warriors slaying anyone that would stand in our way. We say it's for the "Truth" - this is the reason we fight. And in the midst of the struggle, we lose credibility with an already confused world. We lose the affection of our brothers in Christ. And we lose respect among those who are different.

I'm not saying that we should never stand for what we believe in. I'm not saying that we should be weak. But when did meekness (strength under control) become a bad word? I truly believe that if we could learn to walk in humility that we would see less "lines in the sand." Humility dissolves division, helps to eliminate conflict, and fosters reconciliation.

While I type these words, I realize that this is an area that I continually have to grow. Thank God that there is grace for it. But what I have seen in my life over these last few years is a willingness to sit down at the table with people that I would typically not even have a conversation with. I have been willing to listen to opposing views, lose some of my own dogma, and try to find common ground with those who are different. It's not easy but the example of Christ compels me to take on the form of a servant. His Spirit within me is a driving force that says being right is not always the best thing.

Think about what humility could do in our marriages. Imagine what takes place when our problems are confronted with "I'm sorry", "What can I change to make this happen?", or "I'm willing to talk about this." Is there anything that we cannot work through when humility is present in our relationships?

How about the kids. Do you realize how little our kids witness humility from the ones who are in charge? I don't know if there is anything more humbling than having to apologize to your child. But it's a place we need to be willing to visit. "If we can't teach them through our successes, then learn to teach them through your failures." ~ Bill Johnson

And of course, the church. Paul said, "Let this mind be in you..." Our attitude should reflect the very nature of Christ. It is through humility that we deal with confrontation. It is with humility that we walk in love for one another. It is humility that allow us to honor each other, bear one another's burdens, and seek to bring reconciliation to the world.

I don't expect one blog to change the world. However, I do hope that it will cause each of us to think about areas we have been unwilling to yield to those around us. Someone once said that we have to choose the mountains that we are willing to die on. My first question is, Do we even know why we are fighting?

Speaking of Doctrine...

When I first heard about these "elephant room discussions", I thought that it was a great way to get people from various Christian backgrounds together to talk about the hot topics of the Christian faith. At least it's a start...

What made this year's discussion so interesting was TD Jakes involvement. I have listened to TD Jakes through the years, even bought some of His books, and was surprised to hear that he has changed his view concerning the Trinity (how we explain the oneness of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit). I don't want to spend time here discussing doctrine, I do believe that how we believe is very important. I just don't want to say that it's the most important thing.

If there is something that I have learned is that I must be willing to change my mind, hear other people's views/opinions, and discern the truth for myself. While Jakes stated that his view has changed, it wasn't enough for some people. Countless theologians, bloggers, and writers were ready to take him to task for his view or to expose the "holes" in his theology. I want to remind everyone that this is supposed to be a discussion and not a debate!

Personally, I believe in the traditional view of the Trinity. It's what I preach, teach, and understand to be true in how I relate to the Godhead. And what I have noticed in all my years of listening to Jakes is that I never heard him deny the Father, the Son, or the Holy Spirit. However, there are plenty of people that would say that is exactly what he has done because of his theology. These same people would encourage you to not listen to him, or buy his books, etc. They consider him a heretic. What's crazy in all of this is that now many from his denominational background consider him a heretic because of the change. Can't we all just get along?

Here's something that Jakes said that is worth reading:
"...My problem with it as I began to go on and as god began to develop my ministry, I started preaching from that church and from that pulpit and that sort of thing. But I'm also informed by the infiltration from my Baptist experience and my Methodist experience, so I ended up Metha-Bapt-Costal in a way. So I'm kind of like a mixed breed sitting up here, OK? And what I began to find out [is that] it is easy to throw rocks at people that you don't know, but the more you really get to know them and see Christ work in their lives, regardless of their belief system, you begin to try to be a bridge builder...I still did not want to switch teams and start throwing rocks back across the street...I believe we are called as the Body of Christ to reconcile wherever possible."

A little later in the conversation, Jakes added: "Just for your consideration: This is the only thing that Jesus prayed that we can answer. He only prayed, 'Father, I pray that they may be one even as You and I are also one.' And this is the one things that is within our power to answer, and we do not do it."

All in all, the transcripts that I have read give me the impression that it was a good conversation. There were times that it could have gotten "heated" but it seems those flames were put out. I give Jakes a lot of credit for just wanting to be in on the discussion. But what I'm finding is that's all some people want. They just want to be in the discussion. They want you to consider that they are saved, that they love the Lord, and that they are a part of the same kingdom. I mean...some people can't even accept that!

I'm looking forward to the day that we truly endeavor to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. We don't have to agree to get along. We don't have to be the same to work beside one another. And we don't have to have the same label to belong to the same kingdom.

Walking in Authority and Power

Matthew 28:18, "Jesus came and told his disciples, 'I have been given all authority in heaven and on earth.'" The next words are very important: "Therefore, Go..." You cannot miss the transition here. If this was me making this type of statement, it would sound something like this: I have been given all authority in heaven and on the earth. Go now in my authority and make disciples of the nations...

Why is it important to see this statement in this way? It's important because when Jesus commissioned His followers, He was also releasing them to walk in His authority. Everything that He had commanded, taught, and lived out among them was to be used in the making of disciples. Jesus had made disciples out of them and they were now to make disciples out of the nations.

You may be sitting back and thinking, "Well...what's so different about these verses that I haven't seen/heard before?" Quite frankly, what is different is that you may have heard about the commission but didn't realize that authority was released to you as well. In other words, Jesus did more than just give you a commission to follow. He also gave you the power and authority to live it out!

Think of it this way:
Let's say that you had been commissioned to release hostages from a hostile nation. In our scenario we will use the President of the United States as the one who gave the commission. He charges you with the duty, releases you into this huge task, but he doesn't give you any paperwork or weaponry to complete the task. In your mind you have been commissioned but in your heart you don't know how you are going to accomplish the goal. Basically, you will be trying to set captives free without any credentials or any way to go against the enemy. Jesus doesn't work that way. If you jump over to the book of Acts you will find the followers of Jesus locked up in a room and waiting for the coming of the Holy Spirit. They haven't gone out to make disciples yet because they were told to wait until the power came. Jesus had already given them a badge (they had been released in authority) but they hadn't received the "firepower." Then on the Day of Pentecost, the Holy Spirit came and baptized the believers. Now they were able to walk in power and authority, and the whole world was turned upside down.

Interestingly enough, if you don't believe there is a misconception about the Great Commission, if you google the words "All power has been given to me" and look up the images associated with that phrase you will find a lot of baptism pictures. Can I say this? Jesus didn't just release us to perform baptisms. He released us to walk in the ministry that He exemplified for 3 1/2 years. A ministry that destroyed the works of the devil. A ministry where blind people received sight, lame people walked, the dead were raised, and the captives were set free. Everything that He had poured into His disciples was to be poured out on other believers. In this way, everyone that comes to faith in Christ is released to walk in the authority and power that He promised!

The Great Commission is all about walking in the authority and power of the Kingdom so that God's Kingdom would be advanced in the earth. Yet here we are in 2012 and getting excited about the few numbers of salvations and baptisms that are being reported around the world. Were were not given authority and power to win a few. We were given those things to disciple the nations. When will the church as a whole rise up in the power and authority that God has granted to us?

Just this morning I was reading an editorial from one of the mainstream denominations. This guy is still waiting for a "devil-defeating" revival to come into the earth. Folks, here's the deal, the devil has ALREADY BEEN DEFEATED! Jesus shamed Him publicly at the cross and resurrection. When He said "All authority has been given to me in heaven AND ON EARTH", He was saying that a new day has dawned. Think about it: If Jesus has all authority then someone else has none.

I hope that this is a wake up call to our mindset. We have been allowed to walk in the authority and power of the One who defeated death, hell and the grave. Jesus didn't conquer all of this so that we would walk in defeat. We are already more than conquerors. We walk in His victory! And we take that victory to the rest of the world.

Go in authority and power, child of God. Set the captives free. You have everything you need.

What Does Love Look Like?

James 2:15-16, "Suppose you see a brother or sister who has no food or clothing, and you say, 'Good-bye and have a good day; stay warm and eat well' —but then you don’t give that person any food or clothing. What good does that do?"

This past weekend, I watched a video of Heidi Baker where she continued to say that "Love looks like something." It really got my attention. When James wanted to demonstrate what true faith looked like, he talked about meeting the needs of someone else. In other words, when you say you have faith, it should be put into action. On the same note, if you say that you love someone then it must be demonstrated.

What does love look like in your home?
Think about your marriage or your relationship with the children. How is love demonstrated in these relationships? The home is the greatest testing ground for unconditional love. I truly believe that if we cannot love work here then we will always struggle with love working anywhere else. God's Word teaches us the necessity of a man being willing to lay down his life for his wife. The woman is to show her husband love through the honor and respect she gives to his God-given role in the family. While there may be times of disagreement, our spouses should never have to earn love. The same holds true with our children. They are told to obey their parents and we are admonished to raise them up in the fear and admonition of the Lord. We will struggle to fulfill this role in their lives if they never feel secure in the love we have for them. We have the awesome responsibility to represent the love of God in our families. What does our love look like?

What does love look like in your church?
Unfortunately, this is where we have seen some of the greatest problems. How quickly we have forgotten that Jesus said that it was our love for one another that would demonstrate to the world that we really are His disciples. It has gotten to the point in many churches that love is demonstrated when you look just like us or act just like we act. Shouldn't the Body of Christ be a safe place to find love? Love isn't demonstrated in what we are against but who we are for. I don't have to accept someones lifestyle choices to accept them. I don't have to agree with their choices in order for me to love them. I am compelled to and called to love. How do we handle conflict in the church? How do we settle our disagreements? Is forgiveness quick and easy to obtain? What does our love look like?

What does love look like in our communities?
I want us to think about the impact we have on our neighbors. Has there ever been a time when I have been called upon to give a helping hand and I found myself too busy? I wonder how many people have gone to a church service instead of stopping to help someone who is in need. Can you imagine? "Hey...sorry I can't stay and help. I have a church service to attend." What if we would stop and give them the time of day? What if we were willing to sacrifice a church service to visually demonstrate the love of God to someone? What if we were actively seeking a way to be Jesus to our communities? What does our love look like?

The conclusion...
Without sounding harsh, I believe that this needs to be said: Love that isn't demonstrated isn't love at all.
Just like faith without works is dead, love without demonstration is dead also. We must actively demonstrate love in all our relationships. We must be willing to work through the hard issues of life. One of the greatest attributes of love is that it never fails. The reason it never fails is because it never gives up, it always hopes, and it believes the best in every situation. Love is always willing to partner with those who seek reconciliation. Love is always willing to partner with those who are willing to work for a solution. Love is a powerful force in the world because it is the very nature of God.

I ask you: What does love look like?

Be the answer!