Thoughts on Marriage

I'm currently preparing for my 2nd wedding ceremony of the year. Which means I've spent a lot of time over the past few months doing pre-marriage counseling. I have one other couple that I'm working with in preparations for a Sept. wedding. So...needless to say...marriage has been on my mind a lot lately. For good reason. Marriage is one of the most incredible relationships available to us in this life. At times it is incredibly hard work, and at other times it is indescribable joy. The question remains with what you do to thrive during the ebb and flow of marriage. Notice that I didn't say survive? I'll get to that.

This evening will bring with it the final preparations. The run through of the ceremony. The practicing of walking down the aisle, putting groomsmen and bridesmaids in their places, and rehearsing the wedding vows. There's going to be a lot of excitement, anticipation, and maybe even a little anxiety. This is a big deal. Two people are preparing to commit their lives to one another. FOREVER! I can already see the sweat beads forming on the heads of many of you. You remember this night all too well. The butterflies in the stomach. The goofy grins. The fear of passing out. It's worth it though. Isn't it?

I know plenty of people who have went through this same scenario without the storybook ending. Rather than "Happily Ever After" they got "Irreconcilable Differences." Some of them made it several years before their dreams came to a screeching halt. Others barely made it out of the gate. I don't write any of this to fault anyone, marriage is hard work. I write this to ask the questions that need to be asked. To address the issues that need to be addressed. To find that secret formula that makes a marriage last.

Here's the secret: There is no secret!!!

Marriage takes commitment. It takes time. It takes a willingness to lay down one's own desires for the other. It takes communication, grace, genuine care for the other person. Did I mention time? Marriage takes time. One cannot expect the perfect wedding to create the perfect marriage. We also cannot expect they Honeymoon feeling to carry us for the rest of our lives. The reality is that so many people give up on marriage before you have time to create the union that they promised.

A lot changes in us over the years. I was 21 years old when I married my wife who was 18. After 21 years of marriage A LOT HAS CHANGED. What has not changed is our commitment to one another. What we promised to one another all those years ago is still important to us. Some of the groundwork we laid way back then has provided incredible stability. However, we have had to put in some work. We've had to change out of necessity. There were things we had to talk through, problems that had to be solved, and a whole lot of maturing that had to happen. That's why I said that marriage takes time, and why we need to give it some time.

Trust me when I say that you will not be in 21 years what you were in 5. At least I hope not. Kids, changes in career, personal growth; all these things bring with them their own stresses and challenges. All a part of the story of your lives together. Difficult? Yes! Fun? Absolutely! For the faint of heart? Absolutely not!

Remember that verse that your pastor shared during your ceremony? Probably not.
Nine times out of ten, most pastors read from Genesis. They talk about God ordaining that a man would leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife, and that the two will become one flesh. The word cleave means to bind together. To make one. That is the literal translation of the word. However, their is another way to look at this word in the original language. There is a figurative meaning that paints a beautiful picture. Cleave can also mean "to pursue to overtake." A meaning that always gives me the image of someone hunting. My advice during counseling (especially to the men) is that they should wake up every morning and pursue their wives. And I don't know a wife out there that doesn't want to be pursued by their husband.

Sure, there's plenty that you can do to help your marriage along. Discover your love languages. Take trips together. Plan date nights. Or at least spend some quality alone time together each and every day. Talk to your spouse. Flirt with one another. Never forget what it felt like to be infatuated with the other person. This is what we tend to lose over time. That, and the willingness to change. I often wonder if people fall out of love or if they fall out of repentance? But that's a topic for another day. The point is to take the time to become who you are meant to become together.

Oh, and that part about thriving rather than surviving. It's all about the mindset. Marriage was a choice that I made. It's a choice that my wife made. In other words, we chose this life. We didn't say "yes" to one another just to survive. We said "yes" to make a life together. Has there been troubled times? Of course. But the reality is that our marriage (with all the ups and downs) has been one of the greatest experiences of our lives. We've created a family. We are still 100% in love with the other person. In fact, we are in a season of life where we spend an awful lot of time together without kids. AND WE LOVE IT!!! You can thrive in marriage with the right mindset and heart for one another. You can have a Happily Ever After, even if yours has not been a storybook romance.

Marriage is an incredible journey. Now get out there and enjoy it!