Preview 6 - "The Day I Stopped Trying"

The hardest part about previewing a book is not wanting to give away too much, but also wanting to present coherent thought. I've always hated going to a movie and realizing that all the best parts were in the trailers. The struggle is real. However, I do hope that what I have shared thus far has been helpful and useful in your life. I also hope that it has stirred up something within you to go deeper into His grace. This is the change you have longed to experience. The life you have believed possible.

I actually believed at one point in my life that part of my calling was to change people. The whole point of sharing my faith, preaching, teaching, and making disciples was meant to make people more like me. Now before you think that sounds egotistical (although it is), is that not the reason we want most people to change? I mean, if they were more like us, the world would be a better place. Right?

The “need” to change people is associated with the “need” to control people. What we don’t realize is that this need is tied directly to our own insecurities. Hopefully, we are dealing with that. Hopefully, we are learning how to be secure in our identity. Hopefully, we are learning to trust in the Father’s heart for us. Therefore, the "need" to control and change others needs to leave.

Here’s something we have to understand: We cannot control people. On your best day, the only person YOU can control is yourself.

The need to control others is a learned behavior. We typically learn it first in the home. Depending on the amount of fear that was the foundation for your parents/guardians determines the amount of control you experienced. Rather than shape you into the man or woman you were to become, they desperately wanted to change you into their own image. A safe image. One that they could handle. Rather than create boundaries they built walls. Rather than provide freedom with responsibility, they chose the path of least resistance (or so they thought). It doesn’t mean that your parents did not love you, or that they did not have a heart for you, it just means that they didn’t know how to handle the things they feared.

Remember, this was a learned behavior for them as well. And even though they fear that you will make the same mistakes they did growing up in this environment, they unknowingly create the same one. Shaping children is no different than making disciples. It takes time, strong relationships, communication, and trust. We have to believe that our kids will learn how to carry and protect our hearts.

The need to control was then reinforced when we entered the school setting. I mean, who doesn’t feel the need to control hundreds of kids? Zero tolerance rules, standards of learning, etc., all played into how we learned the need to control so well. We stopped seeing the individual, forgot what it meant to connect with each person, and generally believed that everyone would thrive through the same approach.

The real kicker in all of this was when we discovered that the church often utilized the same approach. Fear based theology that only reinforced our need to control others. We became consumed with uniformity rather than unity. It starts with the need to control behavior, and moves to the way we think. Even though many people struggle within this environment, we protect the facade. We wear the masks. And we dare not allow anyone to think outside of our boxes. The reality is that freedom scares us. I have often wondered how people would handle "church" if they discovered the freedom they have in Christ. What if we removed fear and the need to control? What if the Body of Christ was made up of people who were absolutely secure in their identity?

Many schools are catching on. Slowly.
Many parents are beginning to learn different approaches to parenting. Painfully.
Some churches are starting to change their structure. Reluctantly.
But progress is being made. And for that I am thankful.

You may be wondering how grace plays into any of this. What does grace have to do with our need to change people? Simple. Grace empowers you to be the best you. YOU don’t need people to change. YOU don’t need to control the behavior and response of others. YOU simply need to keep YOU in check. That’s where grace comes in.

How does someone who is the righteousness of God in Christ respond to situations?
How does one who has everything he needs for life and godliness deal with unwanted behavior?
How does an overcomer deal with obstacles in relationships?
These are all questions that we have to answer. If we don’t, then we will be left with the best we can do based upon how we see ourselves.

Your identity in Christ is meant to give you incredible security. However, it also provides you with an incredible foundation for how you live. KNOWING that you are a son of your Heavenly Father means that you have His attributes at your disposal. KNOWING that He has provided everything you need for life and godliness means that you have access to the nature of Christ because it is in you. Life is no longer ruled by our feelings but fueled by our faith in what He has done.

Therefore, I don’t need to change anyone. I simply give them the best of me. I don’t need to hide. I learn how to shine. I don’t need to run away from them. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. It’s a process to be sure, but I have learned that the greatest amount of discipline we have to evoke is in the area of our thought life. Catching every thought to the obedience of Christ means that I don’t hang onto any thought about myself that did not originate in the heart of the Father. It also means that the way I think about others originates in His heart as well.

The day I stopped trying to change others was the day that I realized I only had the power within me to change myself. The fruit of the Spirit is self-control, not control of others. By the grace of God I can give my best in every situation and relationship. I don't need to change people or control them. I'm learning how to handle myself. Which is a journey in and of itself.

There is grace for this.