God has greater designs on life, relationships, ministry, church, etc. than we could ever hope to possess. One of the struggles of humanity is thinking that we have to come up with our own strategies, our own solutions, and our own systematic way of doing things. The truth of the matter is, when we learn to listen to the Lord, He has a way of giving us exactly what we need.
Many of you know that I pastor a local fellowship of believers. Over the years I have encountered many conferences, listened to many speakers, sat in on a number of meetings that were designed to help us think outside of the box. The problem that I have seen is that the box keeps getting bigger and bigger. It used to be that the box was labeled traditional/religious thinking. Now the box has other labels: denominational thinking, cultural acceptance, social norms, etc. The danger in all of this is that we can find ourselves taking ideas, strategies, and even structures that are not designed for our specific needs as a body. The reason this happens is quite simple. We are asking God to bless what we are doing rather than doing what He is blessing. The latter requires us to hear from Him.
I'm also a husband and a father. Trust me when I say that there are PLENTY of resources for both. The relationship of marriage and parenting can be reduced to a checklist that came from the latest study, devotional, book, or conference rather than the true intimate relationship that it is designed to be. Have you ever heard the phrase "I raised them by the book"? The only question is "Which book did you use?" Don't get me wrong...I'm all for educating ourselves about relationships and approaches to situations. I just think that the Lord can teach us far more about our spouses, our children, and ourselves than we can learn from other sources. Of course, this requires us allowing the Lord to speak to us. It also requires us to stop asking God to bless what we are doing and to begin doing what He is blessing.
I could go on and on. I could show you how we have been shaped to think in several key areas of life. I could show you how our cultural background, our religious affiliation, and our traditional thinking have allowed us to put God in a box along with our spouse, our children, other relationships, and our every day lives. The label on this box is "control" and we love to be in control of our environments. We love to be in control of every factor of life. And in the midst of all of this, if we are not careful, we will never allow these areas of life to grow into anything real and lasting. We will also find ourselves continually asking God to bless what we are doing rather than do what He is blessing.
Ask yourself these questions:
- What is God blessing in my relationship with Him?
- What is God blessing in my relationship with my spouse?
- What is God blessing in my relationship with my children?
- What is God blessing in __________________________ ?
I think you will be surprised by the answer (or the lack of one). What I am discovering in my personal walk with the Lord is that He is blessing in areas that no one mentioned in those early discipleship days. He still honors Bible reading, prayer, and other basic areas. However, at least for me, the greatest blessings are coming through authenticity. It's just me being real with God and Him being real with me. Over the last few years I have discovered a reality of relationship with Him that I did not think possible. And through this discovery I'm recognizing that in Christ there is no pressure to perform or conform. There is only an invitation to transform by renewing my mind. (EXHALE...Aaaahhhhh....)
Not only is this true in my walk with the Lord but it is true in other relationships as well. It's learning to live without the pressure. Learning to live without a performance or conformity mentality keeps me from placing undue expectations on myself, on my spouse, and on my children. And since I'm living outside the pressure cooker I can allow myself to be myself, allow my wife and children to be who they are created to be, and I can allow God to speak life into these relationships.
This may sound too simplistic for some of you. I'm okay with that. This might sound too complex for others because it does require an intimacy with God that quite frankly religion can never pass down to you. This is where the change needs to happen. It needs to take place in the way we think - the way we perceive God and others...HECK...even the way we see ourselves. We have to stop thinking that if I do "this" that God will bless me and start asking God "Where are the areas that He wants to bless."
It's a life of partnership with Him. And when you choose to live that partnership in every area of life I can guarantee that you will enjoy the journey. May you be blessed to live authentically within your relationship with God and everyone else.
3 comments:
“The label on this box is "control" and we love to be in control of our environments. We love to be in control of every factor of life.”
“Learning to live without a performance or conformity mentality”
Very guilty…. of both. I like feeling successful, getting that confirmation from others that I have done something well, having someone else to see value in me—and any failures, perceived failures, or highlighted shortcomings really get to me. I know that just shows that I’m putting confidence in my own ability to perform to a certain standard, and I know it’s wrong to operate that way. And I have to consciously keep myself in-check with this. Even so, knowing that I struggle with this and knowing that my true value doesn’t lie in performance, I can’t say I’m at a place where I am no longer affected by the perceptions of others (or even my own imagined perceptions of what everyone else must be thinking). Even knowing that my value shouldn’t lie in achievements and works, I still really let others’ opinions weigh on me.
My question---do you think some of this tendency toward performance is natural? God given? Something we are just born with? Or do you think these are all learned behaviors that can, in time, become “unlearned” and replaced with new ways of automatically thinking/reacting? In sociology, it’s called “the looking glass self” and was one of my favorite theories to learn about—and basically says that person’s sense of identity develops through a process of relationships and interactions with others, and that we begin to form our identity based on the perceptions of others. It’s really interesting stuff (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Looking_glass_self) but much of the theory goes back to childhood years and the ways in which we were socialized as children.
It’s interesting to me, because it relates very closely to some Christian teachings about the importance of our thoughts and learning to see ourselves as God sees us—but many people who fall more on the psychology end of things dismiss this teaching because they see certain behaviors as inherent, not learned. I personally think it’s a mix of the two—I believe that we probably are hard-wired in certain ways, but I think our experiences and interactions throughout life can greatly influence the directions we take and the ways in which we respond to life. Your thoughts?
A,
I do believe that the tendency toward performance is a learned behavior. I just don't want to say that it is only learned. It can be tied to our very own love language. In other words, if the way you perceive love comes through "acts of service" then it is quite possible to place that same expectation on God and others i.e. to think they require the same from us.
I'm a little bit familiar with "the looking glass self" and do believe it unlocks a lot of understanding into the "why?" of social interaction, behavior, and even how we understand love.
Think about it this way: If someone lived their entire life with the understanding that love is earned then they will always be doing things that warrant it. However, if someone grows up with love that is freely given then they will be able to grasp God's love much easier. They will be able to accept that they are loved.
Great discussion. The good news is that we can be transformed when we renew our minds with the truth of God's word. When we couple that with the grace of God then there is nothing that can stop us.
Interesting to think about. Wish I has known biblical truths, back when I was sitting in those classes. Definitely a connection, moreso than people realize. My closest friend in the major was a middle aged, conservative, Baptist lady-- and I always enjoyed hearing her perspective, even when we didn't always see eye to eye. She's the one person from the major that I still regularly keep in touch with. Finally starting to understand the connection that drew her to sociology. Although I adored her, a part of me always thought, "what in the world made a conservative Baptist lady choose sociology as a major?" But seeing more and more how very applicable it really is.
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